I realized at a relatively early age that I tend to get borderline spastic about starting new things. I haven't quite figured out yet if it's the officoialality of it or if its the fact that I feel forced to do it rather than it being on my own accord and more organic.
My first memory of this epiphany is me standing at the starting line of a cross country race in jr. high just staring at the recently trampled on grass while I was stretching, trying to loosen up. Finally we were ordered to take our marks and I wanted to go behind everyone but I somehow was pushed closer to the front.
Any racer would tell you they are more likely to fight to be in the front but the truth is it stressed me out more and actually made me feel more like crawling back in bed than running 3.1 miles.
But once the gun went off, after everyone started sprinting and I had forced one foot in front of the other it was easier to relax. The rhythm of the drumming of feet and crowded cheers made it more like a white noise in the background and I would feel alone with my thoughts again. Running because I loved it, not because it was a race.
That was for running and that is where I thought it ended but it turns out it applies to all areas of my life. When I would start a painting or a drawing I could just stare at a blank piece of white abyss thinking about what all I could do with my ideas or why I shouldn't do anything at all. What I really needed was someone to just draw a line on the paper. It didn't have to be a line in relation to anything I was planning on doing because I would just erase it and then go about my attempt at art.
Luckily, after I realized I clearly had issues and I had to start by forcing myself to draw a line so no one would know the difference besides me. It was a simple solution to what feels like a mammoth of a personal issue.
I am telling you this because it is something that affects all areas of my life. From relationships, health, my professional life, to even this blog!
I dare confess that I have had this email primarily for the purpose to start a blog for what could be over a couple years or more...
...Actually, I take that back I did start one once when I was over exhausted, tipsy and living in NYC, with a poem about fall. I was feeling so inspired and it just seemed to poor out of me from nowhere and I remember thinking, 'this is what is should feel like when I do something.' But being as exhausted as I was I didn't think to save a copy on my computer and something happened in the "saving it to my blog" process where it was lost forever. It was actually quite maddening and I was quite discouraged the next day.
All of this was simply to say that I have no idea what I should write about, let alone write about in my first post. I was and will over think it! So, I decided to just start somewhere because this is something I really want to do.
..and here we are!
